I read a blog the natos. I have loved getting to read this woman's perspective on life. She is very open and very raw and doesn't care who is reading her blog. Sometimes I laugh out loud reading it and sometimes I cry. She wrote a post from a while ago that I just stumbled upon and it spoke to my mothering heart.
We don't have children that are all that similar but I could totally relate to her. Emily doesn't have special needs, but she does have needs that require a lot. There are times that I wonder how we could have been better equipped for her. How could I have been more ready so I could be better for her? I cry about this at times.
There are so many times that I don't know what Emily needs. I guess constantly. I can't really plan. Sometimes you randomly have conversations about body parts you can't blog about while you are trying to cook dinner. Then your husband walks in and gives you a weird look wondering why in the world you were talking about that while stirring that pot on the stove.
There are so many things she needs but she doesn't know what they are. She doesn't know what her little heart needs to heal. We don't know what her little heart is feeling. At times she shows us through behaviors. We have tried to name those behaviors and get her to the point that she can recognize why she is acting a certain way. She has gotten so good at verbalizing her feelings. She knows it's ok to want attention and that she will not always get it. She knows that when she screams for it or hides for it, she doesn't get it. She knows that when she chooses to be a part of the family that she gets a lot of attention.
That blog post talks about how she can't leave her daughter unattended without trouble and that's exhausting. Emily can absolutely be alone in a room. She is six and very responsible. I did relate to this though, because she doesn't want to be alone. She wants to always play games or interact in some way. It is hard. She follows me around. all. day. Bathroom- she's there. Kitchen doing dishes- she's there. Computer- she's there. She is constantly asking to play as soon as I'm done doing whatever I do in these places. I never want to hurt her feelings, but there are times that I can't handle it. No, I don't want to play a game. No, I don't want to do anything with you. Not that I don't love you deeply, but mama needs to wash a dish as many times that is needed until her mental health returns.
This same girl that follows me around like a puppy will also completely blow me off when I try to do something with just the two of us. We leave dad at home with Lucy and go have a donut date.... I'm thinkin that I'm the coolest mom ever. She looks at me and says, "why couldn't daddy be here?" ......awesome.
There are so many days I wonder what I needed to do differently and I look at my stack of books to read to maybe better equip me. Then I find myself overwhelmed enough that I just turn on the TV and fall asleep. That's easier.
I desperately need Jesus. There is no way I can mother well without Him. Days that I do it myself are miserable. When I don't lay my life at His feet are the days that I hope no one stops by without calling because it wouldn't be pretty. The house is upside down and everyone is just pissed. Not my shining moment.
Being a mom is hard sometimes. I think I came by it differently than most, which brings me different challenges. I'm, in no way, saying that my mothering is harder because we started with girls that are adopted, one that was adopted at 6 1/2 years old. It's just different.