Meet Emily Howell

Here she is. She is such a beautiful, wonderful daughter and I am so blessed she's mine. forever. She has a new name and what I hope to be a newfound stability in her life. 

We went to court last week to finalize our adoption. We were thankful people we love came to celebrate. A few went to the courthouse and most went to our house for Emily's cupcake party she's been planning since March.

We had one our hardest weeks leading up to our court date in regards to behavior and discipline. She was definitely stressed about this transition. I know she loves us and loves being here, but she was hopeful she'd get to live with her old family once again. So she pushed the limits this week. Maybe she was wondering if she'd drive us crazy enough if we wouldn't adopt her forever. Maybe we wouldn't want to be her parents anymore. It breaks my heart to think about what she was going through. Sorry, sweet daughter, you will never get rid of us. We will never go away. Start accepting that now.

I often joke with Emily about how I love her too much and will never allow her to move out of the house. She will have to get married and live in her bedroom with her new husband. If they have babies, the baby will have to live in her bedroom with them. We recently decided that she could move in next door instead of having to live in our house. That way she'd have extra room for her children. It sounds silly but it's also hard to explain forever. I will always be your mom. Even when you are grown, it's me. You will always come home to us for money and safety and advice. I want her to know that.

 Her adoption day was very different than Lucy's. Emily was nervous. The judge talked to her and she had to answer. Her nerves were evident as she sat next to me. She would fidget and put her head on the table in front of her. As the judge was talking I began to cry. I cried because I know my sweet girl was suffering a loss. I cried because I gained my daughter forever. I cried because the week before was so hard for everyone in this house and I was just tired and felt like I wasn't sure what to do. I cried because I was so full of joy that God would bless me to be this girl's mother.

When it was over I stood and hugged her. She said, "It's ok, mama!" She was worried about me crying. Sweet, sweet girl. 

We have had wonderful days since the finalization. She has been calm and grounded. We have been praying security for her and God has answered that prayer every day. We even got to visit with her birth family yesterday and she was fine after seeing them. She was happy to see them and enjoyed spending time showing off her school skills she's been working hard on. She wasn't sad, just happy she got to see them.

I'm pretty sure Lucy said, "sissy" for the first time yesterday as she looked at her sister. Sweet ending to a sweet week. God is so good!

transitions

School has been....

good, hard, a source of anxiety, a Godsend, tiring, an escape, fill in the blank. 

Emily has come home every day since it started last week and said that it was great. The first 3 days we heard nothing but wonderful stories and had our little girl bursting with excitement about telling us each event she could recall. It wasn't until last Wednesday night that she told us she had been crying at school each day. My heart broke. It cried for my hurting daughter and rejoiced because she was crying for us. She longed to be home. with us. 

This is a milestone to celebrate. She has been living with us since March and there were periods of her feeling like a visitor. She's refer to things in the house as "daddy's" or "mommy's" but not really "ours" where it includes her. The car was always "mommy's" and not just our car. I'd often remind her that what is ours is hers. When we say "ours" it means all of ours. She now appropriately rifles through drawers, cupboards, and the like. It feels good to see her explore our space. 

With those feelings of being a visitor, she strongly held onto her birth family. She'd talk about them a lot and ask a lot questions. She would tell us she would like to go live with them. She'd never be rude about it, but she was grieving and hoping. With our court date approaching next week and the many conversations that she is here forever and will never go back to the places she's known best, I think she's getting it. She's always known, but she'd held out hope. 

School has been an avenue to have new experiences and, therefore, more conversations about things that go on inside her head about her life. It has been another transition for all of us. I keep wondering when our lives will stay in one place for long enough to breath. Transitions can be great, but a moment of rest is what I truly desire. 

School has been great for Emily, but hard at the same time. She is at another school. This girl went to way too many schools last year alone. She has no idea what it feels like to be settled and to make lasting friendships with peers from school. She doesn't really know what it's like to be with one teacher for the whole school year. These things feel exciting and yet scary too. 

When she told us about her crying at school we were able to process some of these things with her. We were able to tell her that she's here for the long haul. She'd go to her school for years with a lot of the same people. She was able to tell us that she was scared she would have to leave. Broken heart again. I hate that my little girl is going through these emotions and we don't even know about it most of the time. I just keep reminding myself it's just a transition and she will settle into school and all will be well in the world. Then will move onto that next transition that is waiting around the corner for us. 

back to school

This year is the first year that I am not the one going back to school. It has been a bittersweet transition saying goodbye to teaching for now. We finished the summer by taking the girls to see Ice Age 8 and drove past my old school on the way home. I found myself feeling really glad that I wasn't at work that day, but really sad that I wasn't there too. I guess that's a good sign. I know that teaching was and is something that suits me. Good luck to all my CV teacher friends. I hope they have a wonderful year!

Today marks Emily's first day of first grade. Now we know she's on her way! (If you have taught 1st grade with me then you will read that to the right rhythm and think about your day today.) No, really. Emily is a first grader. She has been so ready for today. She has talked about it all summer long. She was anticipating and stressing over going to a new school and starting over AGAIN! She had a really good attitude about it though and I'm so proud of her willingness to go with the flow and start new.

Here is her cheesy, back to school, first day photo. These pics aren't great. We were getting ready to walk and we were a few minutes behind schedule. Oh well.

She has known for weeks now that she would wear this dress on her first day of school. It was part of her back to school clothes we got recently. We just ordered some things and had them come right to my front door. Sanity... who cares if it's a bit big, she'll grow. She likes this dress, but the thing that really made it stand out from all the other things she got was the presentation. I told her that daddy picked this out for her. She was done. She needed to hear no more. She is in love with this dress.

If you want to know the real story. I showed him two dresses and said, "pick one." Then he pointed and then I purchased. Her view of his involvement in the dress is somewhat skewed. That's ok, he can take all the credit. I flashed back a little bit to the donut moment where somehow he stole my thunder. She adores him.

Even though she was so excited about school her nerves definitely hit when we got to the door. Cam said she started squeezing his hand tightly as we walked up. I noticed her nerves when I was kissing her goodbye as she was in her seat. I whispered, "Are you ok? Are you nervous?" She whispered a very big, "Yes." I kissed her and didn't want to leave her there. I knew she'd be fine. I knew this from a teacher perspective and also from knowing her bubbly personality. Something inside me though was aching and burning. I even asked Cam if I should just go back in and check on her. (I didn't realize that I was that crazy mom that can't let go. I guess I learned some things today too.) I didn't want her out of my sight for that long. She's been with me all.summer.long. Every day, every night together.

I picked her up today and she had so much fun. She had art today, a fave of hers. She told me the millions of details of the playground and what she did during recess. She told me all about the little girl that was crying for her mom. She told me about books they read today that also has on her bookshelf at home- so cool! I got the first grade scoop.

It's going to be a great year. I know it. This little one is going to learn so much.

giggles and squeals

Emily is having her first sleepover since she's been ours. Her best bud is over and I've spent the past few hours listening to them giggle, squeal, boss each other around, and say that they want to be ever single fairy that comes on the screen while watching Tinkerbell. Being a girl is so complicated. You have to want to be everyone that has a pretty dress on. I guess some things never change. Girls watch movies and always want to dress like the girls they admire. It's just funny how early it starts. 

Gotta love a girly sleepover. When they were putting on jammies to have their movie night, her bud pulled out the same pair of jammies that Emily wears all the time. Oh, the squeals... TWINS! From that point on they had to both have a blanket, the same number and size of stuffed animals, and everything they did had to be the same. They are having a blast and I've gotten some cleaning and blogging done. Bonus for everyone! 

Tonight is a perfect end to Emily's summer. She starts school on Monday and it's back to the routine of things. I think we are all craving the predictability and routine of it. I think it will be a good change. She is very excited to start 1st grade this year and we know it will be a good one. We got to go and meet her new teacher and we are so happy! She is fun and energetic and comes with a high recommendation from a friend in admin. Emily remembered her name right away (a tricky task for her), so that shows you how ready she is. We are counting down days until she gets to go. Don't worry, she has known what she wants to wear for over a week already. I know you were worried about it, but don't. Emily already worried about it and it's taken care of. It's the important things in life, people! 

out of control feelings....

I hate feeling out of control. Welcome to my life these days. There is so much I try to hold onto and move from here to there. There is so much that want to dictate. God doesn't agree with me. That's hard for me. You'll notice I've mentioned this lately. When I say this it is referring to some things I may never explain here. There are some things that are making this stand out to me lately. When that is heaped on top of parenting, my out-of-control feeling is blinding.

I read a blog the natos. I have loved getting to read this woman's perspective on life. She is very open and very raw and doesn't care who is reading her blog. Sometimes I laugh out loud reading it and sometimes I cry. She wrote a post from a while ago that I just stumbled upon and it spoke to my mothering heart.

We don't have children that are all that similar but I could totally relate to her. Emily doesn't have special needs, but she does have needs that require a lot. There are times that I wonder how we could have been better equipped for her. How could I have been more ready so I could be better for her? I cry about this at times.

There are so many times that I don't know what Emily needs. I guess constantly. I can't really plan. Sometimes you randomly have conversations about body parts you can't blog about while you are trying to cook dinner. Then your husband walks in and gives you a weird look wondering why in the world you were talking about that while stirring that pot on the stove.

There are so many things she needs but she doesn't know what they are. She doesn't know what her little heart needs to heal. We don't know what her little heart is feeling. At times she shows us through behaviors. We have tried to name those behaviors and get her to the point that she can recognize why she is acting a certain way. She has gotten so good at verbalizing her feelings. She knows it's ok to want attention and that she will not always get it. She knows that when she screams for it or hides for it, she doesn't get it. She knows that when she chooses to be a part of the family that she gets a lot of attention.

That blog post talks about how she can't leave her daughter unattended without trouble and that's exhausting. Emily can absolutely be alone in a room. She is six and very responsible. I did relate to this though, because she doesn't want to be alone. She wants to always play games or interact in some way. It is hard. She follows me around. all. day. Bathroom- she's there. Kitchen doing dishes- she's there. Computer- she's there. She is constantly asking to play as soon as I'm done doing whatever I do in these places. I never want to hurt her feelings, but there are times that I can't handle it. No, I don't want to play a game. No, I don't want to do anything with you. Not that I don't love you deeply, but mama needs to wash a dish as many times that is needed until her mental health returns.

This same girl that follows me around like a puppy will also completely blow me off when I try to do something with just the two of us. We leave dad at home with Lucy and go have a donut date.... I'm thinkin that I'm the coolest mom ever. She looks at me and says, "why couldn't daddy be here?" ......awesome.

There are so many days I wonder what I needed to do differently and I look at my stack of books to read to maybe better equip me. Then I find myself overwhelmed enough that I just turn on the TV and fall asleep. That's easier.

I desperately need Jesus. There is no way I can mother well without Him. Days that I do it myself are miserable. When I don't lay my life at His feet are the days that I hope no one stops by without calling because it wouldn't be pretty. The house is upside down and everyone is just pissed. Not my shining moment.

Being a mom is hard sometimes. I think I came by it differently than most, which brings me different challenges. I'm, in no way, saying that my mothering is harder because we started with girls that are adopted, one that was adopted at 6 1/2 years old. It's just different.

bumps in the road....

bumps in the road.... that seems to be the name of the game lately.

If you know me well you'll know I'm a planner. I love schedules and plans and predictability. These things warm my heart. They make me feel calm and safe. I'm sure this sounds ridiculous to those of you that throw caution to the wind and are spontaneous. It's who I am though. I function best when there is a plan and everyone sticks to it.

I used to care a lot about not looking "crazy" to people about this subject. Some people just don't understand it. Others speak my language. I used to try to hide it (yeah, like it wasn't obvious). Then I married a man that makes no real plans in life and just goes with the flow. Great combo... we totally don't get each other. It has taken time to really understand each other. He is really nice about my OCD about this. I've learned to be more patient with bumps and willing to adjust. I've also learned to accept that part of me and go with it. God created me to be this way. God made my brain function best with structure and planning. He made me tick the way I do. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, even in my wackiness.

All of that to say that right now I feel very out of control of my life. This is not a good feeling for me. There are some amazing and wonderful things happening in my life that I won't go into now. There are some things that are stretching me and challenging me in ways I don't want to be stretched and challenged. These are the bumps. These are the things that don't fit into my original plan or the millions of revised plans I have made as life continues to change. That just really gets me irritated.

Trusting is what I have to do when my life feels out of control. I have to know that I am not the one driving this bus. I am the one that is along for the ride. I trust God. It might not seem like I do when you hear me get frustrated or doubt when things happen. I trust Him with my whole life. I trust His plans for us.

How far we've come....

This is the look Lucy would give people when I would leave her. My sister in law babysat her when she was just a few months old. I had to work for the morning. I'm wondering if Missy's face looked like this too wondering when Lucy would explode. Who was more scared here, Lucy or Missy? 

I can laugh about this now because she has grown out of this.... sort of. She definitely prefers to be with me, but what little one doesn't prefer her mama?

Leaving her used to hurt me. I would cry at the thought of how awful she must have felt. I would pray she didn't feel abandonment or fear. Lucy had separation anxiety at 4 months and she had it bad until just recently. We'll always wonder if she struggles with this because this is how she was made or if it's because she is adopted. That is one of the many questions we come across when raising our girls. We weigh things a little differently. I am much more sensitive to her little anxieties than most people probably think I should be. I hold her a lot. 

Now that she is almost 11 months she has "grown out" of her separation anxiety mostly. She does great being left with her grandmas and grandpas for babysitting. She still doesn't love to be held by people if I'm there. She will go to people and will have fun if she is distracted, but she will look for me and lock in her gaze. Then it's all over... nothing but mama will do. 

I am so thankful that I am her safe place. She feels secure when my arms are around her. (her 2nd choice would be dad, but he still will come to find me when she is just in need of her mom.) We pray for both of these girls to feel deep love and for them to feel safe, happy, secure, attached. We hold them, rock them, sing to them, tell them we love them. 

I'm just glad Lucy doesn't look at people like this anymore.... at least not as often.