Open Adoption: a visit with Lucy's birthfamily

On Saturday we had a visit with Lucy's birthfamily. It's actually the second time we've seen them since she's been home with us. Both visits have been birthday parties for members of her birthfamily. It was a lot of fun seeing them and look forward to seeing them again at the next visit or party that comes up.

I know some of you are thinking it sounds crazy to have enjoyed seeing them. A year and half ago (or longer) I probably would have thought that idea was crazy too. I remember as Cameron and I began getting serious about moving forward with our adoption, we had a lot of fears of "open adoptions." It seems like having an open adoption where you communicate with and/or have visits with the child's birthfamily would be really scary. Maybe the family will be hard to deal with. Maybe they won't view us as the child's parents and will undermine us to the child. Maybe they will be possessive and pushy. Maybe they will try to steal the child back at some point. Maybe we just won't get along with them. Maybe we won't feel like the parents around them and there will be a sort of battle for the seat at the top as the child's "parents."

These are all thoughts, as crazy or silly as they seem, that have run through our minds as we prepared to adopt. We didn't really know anyone who had an open adoption when we began this journey. These thoughts were coming from a lack of information and experience. Our adoption agency, Christian Family Care Agency, made us go through 2 months of classes before we could be certified to adopt. CFCA greatly values and really only supports open adoptions. There is a lot of research out there that points to how healthy and wonderful openness in an adoption can be for all parties, but especially for the child and the birthparents. We took the classes, willing to hear about it but unconvinced, and we are complete converts! Open adoptions are amazing. I can't wait to see how Lucy's life will be shaped getting to know all the people who love her.

As we sat in our classes, God began breaking down walls that I had up around my heart in this matter of openness. I'm not sure if they were there because we struggled with infertility for so long and having a baby felt impossible. Having that little bit of "control" over not having to know or deal with these strangers giving me their baby may have been the only way I could deal with things. I'm not really sure why the walls were up, but they definitely were. I listened to teachers talk about the relationships that could be formed between families and why they were so powerful in a child's life. Christ began changing my heart. I melted for these birthmoms. I began to weep and pray for the broken hearts of these women as I thought about them at all hours of the day. My heart broke for theirs and the decisions they would be brave enough to make. It's amazing, because Cam's heart was changed too. We both saw the value and the privilege it would be to have such a bond between families.

Before we first met with Lucy's birthmom we didn't know if she would choose us. We knew we wanted to choose her, but realistically we needed to meet with her and get to know her first. We met with her and her mom and we fell in love with the idea that they could be part of our family too. It seemed like a perfect fit for us. I know it doesn't happen that way for all adoptive couples and birthmoms. It's not always a seamless fit. Ours, thankfully, is. We enjoy their company. We respect them and the decisions the whole family helped make to bring Lucy home to us. We know they love our little girl deeply. There's a lot of them and a lot of us, so just imagine how many people pray for Lucy and shower her with love and kisses. What a blessed little girl.

We spent a few hours with Lucy's birthfamily over the weekend. We watched as she got passed around for everyone to gawk over how beautiful and perfect she is. We answered all the questions about how she is sleeping and eating and pooping. We watched Lucy look right at her birthmom and give her a big smile. It was beautiful. God has blessed us with our gorgeous daughter and a wonderful birthfamily. Looks like we are the lucky ones.