transitions

School has been....

good, hard, a source of anxiety, a Godsend, tiring, an escape, fill in the blank. 

Emily has come home every day since it started last week and said that it was great. The first 3 days we heard nothing but wonderful stories and had our little girl bursting with excitement about telling us each event she could recall. It wasn't until last Wednesday night that she told us she had been crying at school each day. My heart broke. It cried for my hurting daughter and rejoiced because she was crying for us. She longed to be home. with us. 

This is a milestone to celebrate. She has been living with us since March and there were periods of her feeling like a visitor. She's refer to things in the house as "daddy's" or "mommy's" but not really "ours" where it includes her. The car was always "mommy's" and not just our car. I'd often remind her that what is ours is hers. When we say "ours" it means all of ours. She now appropriately rifles through drawers, cupboards, and the like. It feels good to see her explore our space. 

With those feelings of being a visitor, she strongly held onto her birth family. She'd talk about them a lot and ask a lot questions. She would tell us she would like to go live with them. She'd never be rude about it, but she was grieving and hoping. With our court date approaching next week and the many conversations that she is here forever and will never go back to the places she's known best, I think she's getting it. She's always known, but she'd held out hope. 

School has been an avenue to have new experiences and, therefore, more conversations about things that go on inside her head about her life. It has been another transition for all of us. I keep wondering when our lives will stay in one place for long enough to breath. Transitions can be great, but a moment of rest is what I truly desire. 

School has been great for Emily, but hard at the same time. She is at another school. This girl went to way too many schools last year alone. She has no idea what it feels like to be settled and to make lasting friendships with peers from school. She doesn't really know what it's like to be with one teacher for the whole school year. These things feel exciting and yet scary too. 

When she told us about her crying at school we were able to process some of these things with her. We were able to tell her that she's here for the long haul. She'd go to her school for years with a lot of the same people. She was able to tell us that she was scared she would have to leave. Broken heart again. I hate that my little girl is going through these emotions and we don't even know about it most of the time. I just keep reminding myself it's just a transition and she will settle into school and all will be well in the world. Then will move onto that next transition that is waiting around the corner for us.